HURRICANE IRENE HAD HER WAY WITH ME

On Friday, August 26th, I grabbed my daughter, now known as Ava Bieber, my designer / astrologer friend Gilian Chavet and we headed for my country home. I mean after all we were just about to start fashion week, had already experienced an earthquake and seriously, I was in no mood for black outs, riots or devastation. I called friends who were psychics and all instructed me to head for the hills, get out of New York LICKETY SPLITSVILLE ALOHAAAA!!!!. I instructed all of the team at People’s Revolution to go home early, familiarize themselves with hurricane procedures and to take refuge. I phoned some of my closest friends and Grand street tribal members: Rupert Noffs, Cheff Matty Bee, Designer Tamara Magel, MTV Exec Shannon Fitzgerald and let them know mi casa was their crib for the storm. “Hurry,” I said, it is going to be a disaster.

On Saturday, I woke up to an overcast and drizzly day. I quickly ran out to the farmers market and stocked up on the most luxurious seasonal offerings; after all I thought I would be feeding a small army, right? WRONG! The only person of my invited guests to take the journey was my friend Shannon. I cooked an amazing meal. We played together, sat by the fire, laughed and prepared for the great storm.

I never believed that Irene would have the fucking balls to attack my home. I pray to the Universal Mother and I worship the force of nature, surely the Mother would not eat one of her own? At 9:30 Shannon came into my room and said – “Kell, um you better come downstairs, the water is getting really high.”

I ran downstairs and sure enough the water was filling up. This is a perfect time for meditation we declared and we placed this beautiful white chair in front of the window.

HurricaneIrene_Photo1

Here is where we sat and watched Irene. Still we were confident our house would be saved.

Suddenly Shannon called out – We are flooding in here! Ava Bieber and I ran in to join her and we began to bail our utility room with three very odd tools: a plastic bowl, a cup and a scoop. Over 25 buckets of water were filled when Irene became unstoppable. We opened up the door to wave for help to the passing fire department – they hooted their horn and waved while driving by. Oh lord we thought – we are going to get taken down.

We quickly called 911 who explained to us not to move, as the force of the water would throw us down. Our street was already in evacuation process. As the fireman arrived at the top of the driveway (luckily Gil and I had a psychic vision to move the car to the top of my driveway earlier), the 100 gallon propane tank dislodged from the side of the house and literally dribbled like a basketball up the driveway and exploded. Pow Fizz zzzzzzzz ppapapapapapapap bam!!!!!

The fireman instructed us to run to the top of the house. “Mommy, are we going to die here?” Ava asked. “No, of course not,” I responded. “Yes we are Mommy.” “No we are not Ava.” “Yes we are, you are just saying that to be a good mommy. That’s what good mommy’s do.” “No I assured her,” if we were dying I would let her know and we would prepare for that. The day was getting grueling, we were tiring and to be honest we were disappointed that are firemen were not the calendar type. The firemen were starting to scream at us – Ladies they said leave everything – Shannon was grabbing her neon yellow bespoke bag, a Louis Vuitton scarf and her computer, Gil was grabbing her jewelry and computer and me, well Ava’s stuffed animal and my laptop. “LADIES THIS NOT A FASHION SHOW,” THEY SCREAMED. “YOU ARE IN GRAVE DANGER – THE HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD IS OFF ITS FOUNDATION AND ABOUT TO SLAM INTO YOU. WE ARE THROWING YOU A HARNESS AND ROPES – TAKE NOTHING –“

This is about 30 minutes before our rescue, view of my front yard

Shannon Fitzgerald, in true leadership form, exclaimed, “sorry, I am not listening to these Jokers, I worked my ass off to pay for this shit – it’s coming with me.” Ava said, “mommy do they know all of your bags cost as much as a car?” I, for some unknown reason, listened, left my belongings, but stuffed Ava’s stuffed animal, my keys and Blackberry down my leggings and hoisted myself into a harness and was the first one out. Seriously, Hurricane walking could be a new isometric exercise. WHOA!!!!

When they went to pull me out of the harness, my precious life-connecting blackberry was dislodged and was swept away by that bitch Irene.

Next Ava, Gillian and then Shannon were pulled to safety! Shannon had all her gear in full Amazonian effect. We were not happy with our rescue. The firemen told us to hop on the truck and they would take us to a shelter. Shelter? Um I think not – I am headed to the Mohonk hotel for dinner.

Shannon politely declined, continuing on with the journey, and quickly called a car service to come fetch her and take her back to Manhattan! I loved that it was Devil wears Prada meets Pipi Longstocking. We said our good byes with a newfound love and understanding of one another.

Gillian, Ava and I four wheeled our way through police barricades. We were full of tricks and not stopping till we hit the Mohonk!

Below- The inviting and always wonderful Mohonk.

I woke up the next morning and headed back to my country house to find this!!

The good news is my Vivienne Westwood Dining Room was spared!!! Onward and Upward

Kelly

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